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Memories

I am ninety-five years of age but I look back and wonder where time has gone. I have not had enough time to share with my children who lost their mother five years ago. My children have gotten their own children but I have never seen them. I had been so blinded by the pleasures of this world that I hardly had time for my family. Business was all I ever thought, so much money that I have now but don't know what to do with it. It is of no help to me and I look back and think that if "this money I have was less but I would have enough memories with my family which would give me joy at my age. My departed wife was my first love, I loved her very much but I did not know how to show her how I felt. Most of the time I left her taking care of our three children while I was out looking for money or out with friends watching football or playing pool. How I wish that I would go back but as it has been said over and over the years "if wishes were horses' beggars would ride". This can't come to be since what is done is done and how I wish that I had realized the deeper meaning of this saying a long time ago because I would have rededicated my life to my wife and children rather than spend every second away from them. But what do I do now; my physical health has deteriorated and can't even use this money since I can hardly get out of the house. All I can do is sit and commit to a memory of what could have happened if I had been there for my children. I had to be away even during the most important events in my family's life, for instance I wasted the day of my wedding anniversary far away from home in a business meeting, my wife called me crying because I did not show up at home, I just felt a little guilt which had washed away the next day. My children don't like me because of how much I made their mother cry and because I was never there to help them with their homework or take them to Disneyland.

They never realized that I was out there trying to make sure that they had a better future. As I am reminiscing this I know there are so many fathers out there who think that giving their children and wives a good life is all that matters and so they spend less time with their families. This saddens me because I know that at the end of it all when they have retired like me they will not have memories to commit to and their relationships with their children will be so damaged and there is no undoing that. My day starts and ends when I wake up since I have nowhere to go. Some of my friends are in their homes happy reaping the fruits of being good family men but what do I have to show for it, Nothing. The fruits of my labor (money) are not worth being celebrated over. "How I wish death comes and takes me quickly so that I can go to the aftermath where I might meet my wife and reconcile to her because of making her cry many times.

I also wish that I would develop Alzheimer's which would make these memories would fade away for good. Yes, I would suffer but I am better off without them since they just haunt my every second. I wish that most people understood that in life you don't get so many second chances to alter the mistakes that you made but these young people don't understand that, they think that having fun matters more than anything and they keep on postponing things but if only I would advise them, this postponing will go on till they will reach a point when there will be no more postponing of things and people that matter because they will be no more or they won't want them anymore. What I have to do is look for my children and apologize to them. I know I won't bring back their mother or the happiness that she lacked but I will be happy knowing that at least they know how much I wish that things had been different, something that I have come to realize when it's too late. I have to give away the money for am sure my children won't want it. They have learned the hard way the consequences of an absentee parent and I am so sure that wherever they are they are making sure that they spent every minute with their children because it matters.

I have to go see them to reconcile to them and make sure that they are not making the same mistakes that I did. After this, I can die and hope that I will meet my wife in the afterlife and make up for all the time I wronged her."

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